tired...

slept quite a lot in school today. Think i'm too bothered by my own conscience. I'm not studying! but i didn't care! I didn't study! But i didn't make a change! I didn't study! But i refused to change. I didn't study! But i can't be bothered and return to CM4. I didn't study! And i love the stressless life! I didn't study! And i love to do things last minute! I didn't study! I would love to see myself ended up somewhere undesirable.

I DREADED exams! Who doesn't! I dreaded the feeling to work hard... what do i get in return?! Nothing! For this whole bloody 10 years, i studied because my parents wanted me to... I studied to make them proud. I studied so that they reward me! I studied so that they give me that mouthful of food. I studied so that they could tell others how great and intelligent their son is going to be. I studied for this whole 10 years... and not a single year i thought of studying for my own sake. I believe that with or without that piece of shit that everyone is after, i will make it! So studying or not doesn't make a difference to me. How i wish i'm that good boy and fillial in the past, so that i will still remember to make sure that i give them the results that they wanted. The scholarships that they hoped to see and boast about. What did i become? I studied for this whole 10 years, following every single step that my dad paved for me... what's the use? I don't study the things that i liked... I don't studied because of interest! I don't study for my own sake. I'm so furious now... i'm such a letdown... even friends have to shout and scream and drill stuffs into my head! They are all so good, never fail to make me wake up, but i gave them shut ears. I'm beginning to hate myself, beginning to lose that confidence... I'm no longer that good son of my parents... They are going to hate me, they are going to think that i'm such a disappointment! They are going to put full attention to my sister... They are going to expect me sweeping the roads soon. I hated them as well! Why can't i choose where i want to go... why always push me to level that i need to work hard to survive there. Why?! Why?! Why?! The guilt inside me is becoming greater and greater as the seconds go off. I'm not STUDYING! First, my parents are going to sad. Then, my gf is going to ignore me. Then, the teachers will give up on me. Then, my friends will think that i'm wasting my time in school. Then, i will hate myself for not studying. I'm so so so screwed... going to sleep... don't want think about it for now...