Why do i always regretted what i've done? Why am i always taking the wrong steps? Why am i always not destined to be great?

Right from the days in the secondary school, i blow my chance of drum major because of some freak. I was the one! I was the chosen one! Why i'm not given the chance? Why am i not fit for that job?! It's mine! I don't know what happened to me... Things that happened in the past, that hit me really great, are all coming back now. Haunting me as long as i stop watching tv, or stop occupying myself with stuffs.
Why did i join the band when i can join any other cca that i could easily mix myself into the guys. Why must i be the outcast? Why must i always be the one separated from the mass? Ostracise by my own clique. So what i'm talented with what i do? So what if i could play the drums good enough to leave guys open their mouth wide and girls heart thumping? Why must i suffer from all this shit?

When i left Pioneer, i told myself. If i'm not going to be doing great over there, i will leave right away. So i brushed up my human relations skills... Through enough, with some luck, some friends, some correct plan, some correct tactics, i was able to receive some high profility in the school. Added in with the fact that i'm one of the few drummers in school which made me even famous. But so what? Did i like what i am? Did i enjoy myself? Often, i have to put on a lot of different faces when talking to different people. This thing disgusted me a lot. But i have no choice. If you want to stay up there safely and without obstuction, you better know that you didn't offend anyone. After joining JJ, i should say life totally changed from what i had in Pioneer. Even though, it was a 180 degrees change. But i still hated the choices that i made. I flung most of my test and exams, cooped up with all the rumours, make sure i smile even i don't wish to. I don't have a chance to be sad in front of my friends. Never! I don't have a chance... Whenever i step into the college, i make sure even if i didn't smile, i never frown once. I hated the steps that i took once i landed myself in this college.

First, joining the OGL.
Joining the OGL... the first step into opening up.
Second, joining band.
Thought i could stop thinking about what happened in my secondary days by not joining. In the end, i think chose it.
Third, running for council.
The way towards fame. Which turned me into a ugly person, acting in front of everyone.
Fourth, didn't make a stand between council and band.
Bursted my chance of doing great on either side. Hated to tell the details...
Fifth, for not studying hard for most of the time.
The thing that hurted me most now.

I never ever chose the correct path to take. I'm always making mistakes. Maybe choosing JC is a big mistake. Not being serious enough is a big mistake. Taking everything too easily is a big mistake. Being a optimistic is a big mistake. Being some crappy person, is a big mistake. Whenever i discovered that i made a grave mistake, i never fail to give myself 101 reasons so that i forgive myself. And often, when i did the wrong things again, all the setbacks will come back to haunt me again. It accumulates!

I lost my confidence greatly once after i was not announced as the drum major when i'm the chosen one. Lost it again, after the HCJC concert. Lost it here and there, every now and then, on all the mistakes and shit that i made.

Just wanted to share with my friends that, i do meet failures. And they do affect me. I'm not that really happy-go-lucky until you managed to talk to the inner side of me. Being silvest in front of my friends, isn't easy. Haha... stupid me... tell everyone about my shitty history...